If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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