3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize