im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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