why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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