I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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