so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
