my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I wish my penis had an off switch
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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