You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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