Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
