I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
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