Banned from zoo.
Again?
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
