saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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