Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
