Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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