I could have mohawked her pubes.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
