Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
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