How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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