just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
