My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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