at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
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