Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Boobs speak an international language.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
