I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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