I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
