Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Randomize
