I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
