I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Randomize
