Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
