You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
