so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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