is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
