This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
