Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize