Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
