I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
