my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
