You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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