I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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