worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
