Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Randomize
