she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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