Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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