I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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