I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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