You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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