whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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