i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
