I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
It's official drugs can't kill me
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
