So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
