My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
