Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
