Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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