my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
