you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I can't trust your balls anymore.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize