I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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