Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
