Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
