please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
My vagina is officially offended.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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