walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
