New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Randomize