I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
