I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
