I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
