im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
