You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize